#RWISA “RISE-UP” TOUR, DAY 12, NONNIE JULES @NonnieJules #RRBC #RRBC_COMMUNITY #RWISARISEUP

Welcome to the final day of the RWISA “RISE-UP” Blog Tour!

2020 RWISA RISE UP TOUR BANNER

by Nonnie Jules

By Friday, I doubted that I would even be part of this event.  I’m sure many of you noticed that I kept moving others ahead of me and ahead of me, until I ran out of members to move – as I struggled with finding the time in my schedule to write something.  As of this morning, I had finally decided that I just wasn’t going to be able to participate, as again, I saw no opening in my schedule that would allow it. 

Then, I got a phone call at 7:37 this evening from a friend, sharing that her relative had just attempted suicide due to his personal struggles since the arrival of COVID19.  He had lost his job, had received an eviction notice, and saw no clear path to anything remotely close to “better” while the Coronavirus lingered.  That conversation forced me to sit down at my desk just as soon as I hung up the phone.  What you will find below may not be that great, but it’s what my heart rolled out in the final hour. 

***

We are living through what is possibly the most trying time in many of our lives.  We are a world on lock-down, and though there are those of us who are living a bit more comfortably than others during this pandemic, many in the world are suffering.

Some of us are not concerned with how our mortgages and car notes will get paid.  Some of us aren’t concerned with where our next meal will come from, or, if we’ll have to suffer through another night filled with tears streaming down the faces of our hungry children, along with our own tears of helplessness.

For those who suffer with mental illness, their situations are creating a new wave of crisis, as many who see no way out, are, out of fear and desperation, turning to suicide.

My heart breaks for these innocents in this war.

AND SO, I BELIEVED

It’s quiet.  

I’m afraid​. ​

I’ve been locked up inside for so long, I don’t know my nights from my days.

It’s lonely.  

I’m scared.

There’s no place to hide, ​and ​no other place to go​, ​because it’s everywhere.

I need to make a run

​…​just out to the store

…but, I’m not even sure

…it’s safe to open my door.

It’s in the air ​we breathe​

​…​on everything that we touch

I never realized ​until now​

​…​I needed people so much​. ​

I’ve no medical insurance

…so, I mustn’t get sick​. ​

My stomach is growling​​​ 

​…​but, it will soon quit​. ​

I’ll just stay inside for now.

I do need my meds 

…to kill the voices in my head.

They’ve never been this loud before.

A little knock at the door 

…would really help right now.

It’s ​too ​quiet.

I’m ​so ​afraid.

I open my wallet and remember…

I haven’t even gotten paid. 

What will I do?

​How will I survive?

I don’t even know if it’s worth staying alive.

And, what will I eat?

What about the heat?

I know that it’s summer

…and it’s supposed to be hot

…but​, ​this thing has me terrified

…all tied up in knots.

​So, I strangely shiver as if it is cold.

While parts of the world move, my life is on hold. ​

Under the covers

…the only place I feel safe.

Oh, how I wish

…to feel the sun on my face. 

How will I ​cover​

…the rent that is due?

My landlord’s expecting 

…to be paid at two.

Some understand 

…but others not

My luck ran out

…with the landlord I got.

“I’ve got a family to feed – you’ve only got you.” 

He does not ​see​ that only me has to eat, too.

I don’t have the rent, dear Lord. 

What will I do?

Where will I go?

I need a sign

…because I just don’t know.

How long will this crisis last?

No one knows for sure.

I’m afraid​ of my thoughts​.

How much more can I endure?

I just don’t know.

My mind is racing

…it just won’t stop.

Please slow it down, Lord

…these thoughts are just not – to your liking.

I cover my mouth

A cough escapes.

​I d​rift over to the window

…and pull back the drapes.

Unlocking the locks

…one by one

I can hear the calling ​

​…​not a voice​, ​but a gun.

No, too noisy, I think.

And what if I miss?  

I’m already afraid to even consider this.

Now, it’s a voice – louder – more clear  

Almost a shout – deep in my ear.

“Come closer to me. 

Look, I’m down here.”  

Five stories below me

Cars rush​ing​ by

​I hear the voice again​

“​C’mon, you can fly.”

I look back over my shoulder

As my landlord knocks

Then I glance at the wall

…it’s straight two o’clock.

“Why are you hesitant? There’s only pain here for you.

There’s nobody to help, so, what will you do?

The world is on lock-down, but you can be free.

Do not wait another second; come and join me!

You see, I am free – down here. 

And don’t forget, you can fly.”

And so, I believed…

***

To everyone reading this who might be struggling with thoughts in their head, that under normal circumstances wouldn’t make sense, yet, they seem to make sense in the moment, what you should always remember is that the devil is alive and well, and sometimes looks and sounds just like you and me. {And of course, he wants you to join him…in hell.} 

Fight those voices that encourage you to harm yourself and others. 

If you were not born a bird or created in the likeness of some type of aircraft, listen to ME – you cannot fly.

***

“Thanks for supporting me!” 

Logo grey

***

Thank you for supporting today’s RWISA author along the RWISA “RISE-UP” Blog Tour!  To follow along with the rest of the tour, please visit the main RWISA “RISE-UP” Blog Tour page on the RWISA site.  For a chance to win a bundle of 15 e-books along with a $5 Amazon gift card, please leave a comment below and on the main RWISA “RISE-UP” Blog Tour  page!  Thank you and good luck!

26 Comments

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  1. So sorry, Nonnie – I took a couple of days “off” from everything including email, and missed your post. Glad you decided to post, it was very sobering, reminding us that many are suffering far worse than we. Thanks for the eloquent poem and heartfelt words. There are so many facets to this crisis, and many ways to experience it. So sorry about your friend’s relative, may be and his family find solace and peace.

    Like

  2. Thoughts and prayers continue for your friend and for all those who are suffering. Thanks so much for shining a light on those who need it most at this time, Nonnie. We all need to be reminded that we can make a difference, that we are loved, that there is help and hope out there…

    Like

  3. I read this post through a veil of tears, Nonnie. The stress of this situation combined with Mental Illness has seen three of my daughter’s friends (All aged under forty) take their own lives. I’m blessed to live with my daughter and am loved and cared for. I have been treated for PTSD for over thirty years and am devastated to see the alarming spike in the numbers of people now being diagnosed with it. Raising awareness in the greater community is essential. This post has done that beautifully. Thank you.

    Like

    • Hi, Suzanne! I’m so sorry to hear of your daughter’s friends passing away; I’m even sadder that they felt there was no otehr option other than leaving this earth. How awfully sad. This is becoming the norm, though, and I for one don’t see an end in sight anytime soon. Let’s pray that those who are “supposed” to be in charge, finally decide to make this killer disease the focus and not their politics.

      Thanks for dropping by!

      Like

  4. Gwen M. Plano May 20, 2020 — 9:28 pm

    This is a powerful piece, Nonnie. It saddens me profoundly that people experience the horror of despair. No one who has a steady income should have the right to decide what is included in the stimulus package, or how and when it will be distributed. My sons received a loan that they cannot access because restaurants in NYC are still closed. Now the deadline has passed. Their brief experience of hope is gone.

    Like

  5. peggyhattendorfcom May 20, 2020 — 9:12 pm

    Nonnie, thank you for sharing your emotionally changed piece about suicide and the mental health during this turbulent period of time with this global pandemic.

    Thank you RWISA for hosting our President today on the final day of this excellent RISEUP BLOG TOUR.

    Like

  6. Beautiful poem…love it… ♥♥♥

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  7. Excellent post, Nonnie. I’m glad you were able to find the time to write it.

    Like

  8. My heart breaks for your friend, Nonnie! Your poems was so tragically beautiful. So many people are struggling with this pandemic. I have an anxiety disorder, but I am blessed to be surrounded by people who are aware of my anxiety and check up on me. I am one of the privileged who is able to continue working from home and can continue to meet with my therapist and get my nuerofeedback treatments that help me with my anxiety. Not everyone is as lucky as I am, and my heart breaks for them. No one should feel alone through this. No one should be unable to get professional help because of lack of insurance or money. I will continue to pray that our world learns to value the human spirit over money. 😥

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  9. Illness, isolation, death tolls, and economic ruin nurture the understandable fear brought worldwide by the pandemic. Evil, alive and well, sometimes promises a way out. You have eloquently described an invitation that, unfortunately, some people can’t resist. It is so terribly sad.

    Like

  10. A very powerful message, Nonnie. Let’s hope those who despair can find a path to relief that preserves their soul.

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  11. It is not over until it is over! I feel for those who are losing hope and pray that they find their strength in God. Thank you, Nonnie, for sharing.

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  12. Nonnie, I am so glad you followed your heart and sat down to pen this piece. It is such a sad thing when there is not a glimmer of hope to keep living for. My heart breaks for those and my prayers go up for them. Thank you for sharing!

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  13. Nonnie, I’m glad you took the opportunity to write your piece, but I’m saddened by the circumstances.

    Like

  14. D.L. Finn, Author May 20, 2020 — 7:27 am

    I’m sorry about your friend’s relative, Nonnie. A powerful poem and piece about the hidden issue of this pandemic, mental illness and hopelessness. My heart goes out to those who are suffering silently.

    Like

  15. A heartfelt piece, Nonnie. And I sympathize with those who are struggling with the effects, not just from the pandemic but from the prolonged Lockdown.

    Liked by 1 person

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